Wanna See Some Losers?
Check out this Graveyard... of humor pieces
Everything I write is very good and editors often fight over the rights to publish it, is a thing no writer has ever said truthfully.
I love spreadsheets and data and tracking things. This year, I started a spreadsheet of my clothing to see how many times I wear each item and what my cost per wear of each thing is1. I have a budgeting app that I’m really into. Like, into every single day to see reports and spending trends. I’m keeping a log of every time I sauna in 2025. Since 2021, I’ve tracked my daily writing in a spreadsheet as demonstrated by writing instructor extraordinaire, Caitlin Kunkel (with whom I still take classes that inspire the bejeezus out of me).
So you can bet I have a spreadsheet that tracks every piece I’ve written, where I’ve submitted it and when it was submitted, among many other juicy details that not one other person cares about.
This may shock you, but I do not publish everything I write. Not all words I put on paper or digital paper are ones another human should see. Some of those words I spend many hours on and they’re still very, very bad! So I wanted to share some pieces I’ve written over the years that never saw the light of day with some thoughts about the impulse to write them and why they didn’t work. These pieces have their own tab on my spreadsheet titled, “Graveyard” Cute, yeah? (This was also stolen from Caitlin Kunkel, GOAT).
I’m Not A Regular Cyclist, I’m a Cool Cyclist: June 2023
Based on Amy Pohler’s line in Mean Girls and my many near-death experiences on a bicycle. I received a lot of great feedback on this piece and ultimately shelved it because someone did it better than I ever could. The great news? I reached out to the author of the above-linked McSweeney’s piece to shower him in compliments. Turns out he’s a teacher and I had an incredible meeting with him where he gave me valuable notes and feedback on pieces that weren’t about bicycles and were published for money later!
Top Ten Sex Dreams I’ve Had About Dr. Jill Biden: March 2021
I was aiming to break into the Belladonna Comedy with this one, who had (still has?) a recurring column, “Top Ten Sex Dreams About…” that is very funny. This piece didn’t hit for them and taking it elsewhere didn’t make sense, but it included gems like: “…I’m in my PJ’s wearing glasses like a very intelligent person with many degrees who doesn’t have a lot of time to care about my appearance.” and “Dr. Biden drapes layer after layer of heavy cloth on top of my already well-decorated academic robes, which I can easily hold up with my strong and highly-educated muscles.”
Lil’ Bronanza: March 2021
The one that got away. There are few things I take greater joy and pleasure in than mimicking bro culture. Maybe it’s because as a tiny child I lived in State College/Penn State (regularly voted top party school and noted for multiple alcohol-related deaths of their students). It could be that the line between toxic masculinity and homoeroticism seems so thin, or that subverting the stereotype of bros can be so satisfying. This idea was a tour of, “The nation’s premier pre-k prep program to ensure your lil’ bro gets into the finest fraternities in the country!” Chet-named toddlers chugged warm milk and used Natty Lite cans as building blocks. This piece could have benefited from a stronger title and some distance, but I also never fully clarified whether I was satirizing Frat culture or college prep programs, which would have strengthened this piece considerably. Deep gratitude to every single editor in the humor writing world read this piece and politely said, “No, thank you.” It lives on in my heart with many bro-related puns.
Nickelback Press Release: July 2020
I wrote this peak pandy, when Trump’s campaign was playing music without permission from asrtists and musicians were making public statements saying, “Don’t use our music, you suck.” My genius idea was writing a piece from the p.o.v. of everyone’s favorite band to hate on, Nickelback, begging any political candidate to use their music. This could have worked out except someone kindly pointed out that the actual band Nickelback had released an actual press release actually stating that they did not want Trump to use their music. So good for them! Using google is important when you want to write timely satire!
I love it when a piece gets published, but deciding it’s okay to let a piece go has its own rewards. Many writers talk about the idea of all work being valuable— it’s all practice, after all. Natalie Goldberg calls it composting. For me, some pieces head to the graveyard, some I mark as “retired” and some are just hibernating until I’ve had the right combination of time, life-experience, and context to make them work in just the right way. The time I put in is its own murky, unknowable reward. Progress is progress, and she is not linear, my friends! Hope you’re working on something satisfying these days.
Other Updates:
I took a great class with Caitlin Kunkel yesterday via Writing Workshops. If you’re looking for low-commitment, high-reward classes, I can’t recommend her 1-day seminars enough. Elissa Bassist also has one-day workshops that are affordable and have immense bang for their buck. Even better news? They’re co-writing a craft book about writing like a real, live, funny human (Jan 2026).
Where I live is expected to gain 100 minutes of daylight throughout March and while I will mourn the loss of snow, I’m thrilled to welcome jumpsuits, bandanas, and all-over sunscreen back into my life.
We are coming for our daylight! I’m trying a quarterly approach to planning writing goals this year (inspired by Julie Vick, who has an excellent substack), which means I’m excited to start planning Q2 this month!
I stole this idea from someone very smart that I met in writing class with good fashion sense and while you may thing we both need more therapy in our lives, what is a spreadsheet if not micro-dosing therapy?
Omg a fellow queen of the outfit spreadsheet!!
Real talk right here! ❤️