If you’re looking for a place that is free from the earnest cringe that the great and powerful Gen-Z criticizes, I’m so sorry, this is not it. Please now buckle in for some oversharing that covers some light mental health and a literal middle aged person who has still not learned her limits.
I arrived home last Sunday in the early afternoon after a very busy weekend following a very busy week and instead of sitting down to rest, I proceeded to try to clean the entire house because I don’t know when to stop. When my partner asked me a question, I burst into tears and said, “I am having a hard time.” And then I cried for only ninety minutes.
The irony should not be buried that the weekend was busy due to my completion of a 30-hour yoga teacher training in Yin Yoga. For the uninitiated, Yin is a style of yoga that blends traditional Chinese medicine (the same kind on which the practice of acupuncture is based) and traditional yoga poses and philosophy to create a calm, gentle, movement practice. This practice is often used to alleviate stress, calm your nervous system, and create a sense of inner peace. It is not known for causing overwhelm and stress, but I found a way.
So! Why the crying for ninety minutes only? An incomplete list:
Even when all the things I’m doing are things I want to be doing there is still not enough time in the day/week/month to do all the things I want to do and sleep/eat/care for myself.
When I was making more money, I hated my job and resented the forty hours a week I spent there but I was stable. When I’m making less money but enjoy the work I’m doing, I have no time to sit down and breathe. I’m calling this “hustle creep”.
I cannot imagine a future where I’m able to make more money than I do now, which is only a problem because I do not feel stable and my capacity for work is not increasing. I am hopeful that this speaks more to my lack of imagination than the reality of my future, but that hope may be foolish.
I started two new jobs in two months. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
The job that’s providing me with a small semblance of stability is work I do not feel qualified to do. The learning curve is steep, the reward is unknown, and the security of the position is precarious.
Despite nearing four decades on this earth, in this body, I burst into tears on this day instead of asking for help last week because I did not realize I needed help.
My cyclical hormones have been particularly emotional for the last four to six months just for funsies.
When I get anxious I do more Things to help distract myself from the anxiety and doing more Things makes me more anxious.
I feel like an impostor and fraud of a yoga teacher because I lead people through restorative practices regularly even though I am an anxious mess who bursts into tears.
This last one is a doozy for me and comes up a lot. There are MANY problematic things with the way we practice and teach yoga in the West—I could write for many pages on this but there are far more qualified people who already do.
There’s a Western cultural agreement that yoga teachers are calm, flexible, have amazing butts, and very chill people all of the time. I am truly only one of those things all of the time (it’s the butt one), and while my quest for being the chillest girl in the room has led to some terrible boyfriends and panic attacks in my literal sleep (so sorry to brag), I no longer have the energy to pretend to be chill all the time. I feel some guilt and shame showing up to teach a restorative yoga class with my calm lady voice, little candles, and deep-seated anxiety. Of course, I also know that being a yoga teacher does not negate that I am a human person who experiences a broad spectrum of emotions. As my partner smartly pointed out to me about 42 minutes into my stress release cry: I’m qualified to teach these things because I have a deep understanding of their necessity. Lots of folks assume that people who meditate or practice breath work or do yoga are naturally very calm and relaxed when in fact, people who teach these methods of relaxation have been desperate for a way to cope with the pressure, anxiety, and stressors they experience, so they dedicate themselves to a practice that helps them. When it works, they’re so changed that they feel the deep need to share it with others.
So I lost it yesterday. And then I took a bath and read a book. And I took a lot of deep breaths. And I taught a restorative yoga class to some of the coolest humans I know. I was thrilled and comforted to spend a virtual hour with these practitioners— all of whom have huge stressors in their own lives, from freelancing careers in the arts to law school, and are coming into the virtual space for some respite of their own.
It’s not the last time I’ll lose it. I’m a very anxious person (again with the bragging!), but I’ll take a lot of deep breaths again. I’ll find a cozy place to read a book again. And I’ll try not to fixate on cleaning the house because I want to avoid feeling my feelings.
I hope you’re well. That you’re taking some deep breaths, getting your sweet little face into the sunshine when you can, and that your butt continues to be amazing (ABAA—all butts are amazing).
Speaking of cleaning my house! Some housekeeping:
Thanks, as ever, for reading these lil’ guys I send out. They’re sometimes wild and messy, but my stupid tiny heart still squeaks whenever someone says/texts/dms/shouts from moving vehicles, “Hey, I read that thing you wrote!” (or smashes that “like” button).
Moving forward, “The Anti-Niche” is about to REBRAND! Part of that will be in name, but it will also be in format. I’m moving towards creating more things like the above and like This (Writing Retreat) and This (Saying No). Short, essay-esq pieces that are maybe too real but also full of levity and butt jokes.
I’ll still have updates from all the nichlessness of my life, but they won’t be the sole content of the newsletter anymore— I’ll likely plug them in a bulleted list at the end.
Like this.
I’m not about to stop sharing pictures of my cat, knitting, and adventures, so thanks for being here and be well, my nicheless wonders.
If you have opinions, thoughts, comments, agreements about any of the above, or anything at all, really, I’d love to hear them.
Sending you virtual hugs, I know this feeling VERY WELL. Excited for the rebrand and what's to come!!