Clothes Make Me Anxious

Worn Out by What I Wear Out.

In an effort to get to know more about my new hometown and to find the folks that may one day be my new community, I did something I wouldn’t normally do. I registered for a Women’s Leadership Conference. 

This is a textbook way to stoke my imposter syndrome for a lot of reasons: 1) I am loathe to call myself a leader, despite having been one in many contexts. 2) Professional conferences are historically not things I attend, but things I plan, which keeps me shrouded in a perfect cloak of invisibility when the conference is happening. 3) I’ve seen the people who attend conferences like these. They wear fierce pantsuits, have polished hairdos, sleek business cards, and full-time employment. They are… not me. 

The business card of power.

I have never owned a pant suit (not for lack of wanting), my hair has sometimes been cut by someone I paid to do it, and my job situation is… complicated. Because there are multiple stressors in this situation, I funneled a lot of my anxiety into one: What I’m "supposed” to wear?

It is I. A woman of business.

The day before the conference, in an effort to distract myself from not knowing how to answer the question, “What do you do?” I indulged in the rom-com truth of knowing if I could find the perfect outfit all my problems would vanish. I spent hours ripping apart my wardrobe in an attempt to find something that would be an honest representation of who I am (very cool but also queasy around strangers but also wants to be your friend but skip the icebreaker stuff and go right to friendship) and also appropriate for a professional conference. I will now share these ridiculous options with you:

The Grunge Hipster

Black tights, corduroy shorts, motorcycle boots, and a vintage oversized blazer (with fringe, obviously). 

I need you to know this outfit nearly won. Shorts over tights is one of my favorite looks. Is it appropriate for a “professional conference”? I don’t know and that’s the problem. All I can tell you is I felt like Daria wearing this outfit and that’s a pretty strong pull for someone who idolized Gen X as a child. Ultimately, I decided looking like I was going to sneak out for a smoke in the alley while Senator Klobuchar addressed the room was probably not the move. 

Heather Mooney woulda worn it. Heather Mooney does not give a fuck.

Sporty Spice, but if she had to work in a office?

A wide-legged jumpsuit, pink reebok sneakers, and an oversized blazer.

Not my most inspired creation.

I discovered Athleta jumpsuits in the summer of 2022 and I’m a little mad about it, because I finally figured out how to dress for a Philly summer just before we moved. They’re super comfy, but it was November in northern Minnesota and I wasn’t convinced athletic wear and a boxy blazer would help keep me invisible in a crowd of polished pant-suit wearing power people.

Frumpy Mad Men

A wool skirt, motorcycle boots, and a chunky wool shell with a cowl neck.

I’ll be honest, the lack of elastic waist band was a real point against this option.

I love a mid-calf skirt that suggests I raided my mom’s closet in 1978. I paired this particular Pendleton (with pockets!) with a wooly cropped cowl neck that I was hoping would kind of swallow my face so people wouldn’t look at me. This was a cozy look, but probably better for a folk art market than “networking” or whatever nausea-inducing icebreaker I’d be engaging in. 

Wish I could tell you it was this kind of women’s conference.

The Under-Employed Millennial

Skinny jeans, motorcycle boots, and a boring wool blazer.

We call this look: Business goth.

The winner, of course, is an outfit I’ve been wearing most days in public since 2017 with the addition of a thrifted L.L.Bean blazer I once wore as a costume. Not exciting, but I knew my favorite color palette (black with some other black) would put me at ease. And while I’m not a fan of hard pants (hard pants, hard life), I felt less self conscious knowing I was wearing an article of clothing that was culturally acceptable in most workplaces.

Part of what makes getting dressed challenging is that I know my fixation on figuring out what to wear is one of those shitty tricks capitalism plays on us. It’s an attempt to convince me if I own the right thing, I will fit into the appropriate place. But I’m not more professional when I put on a blazer. As a culture, we’ve used the term “professional” to deliberately exclude certain clothing articles, body shapes, hair textures, and speech patterns. The fact that I’m a white, straight-sized person with flat hair puts me at a huge advantage when it comes to our cultural definition of “professional”. And yet, not knowing what to wear is one more thing (in addition to a non-traditional career path, bizarre education, and many other fractured milestones) that successfully makes me feel like an outsider. I had hoped at this point in my life I’d be a little more “who gives a fuck what a look like” and a little less, “Omg, what should I wear in order to elicit the exact perception I want from others?” but I’m just out here doing my best.

It probably won’t surprise you that I don’t think anyone noticed what I was wearing. A woman who is a somatic based lake photographer (!?) complimented my lipstick, which obviously means I’m doing something right. Otherwise, the conference was fine. I’m not likely attend another one. I’m not saying it’s because I found the minuscule salads we were served for lunch which did nothing to satiate my hunger sexist, but I’m not saying it’s not. And I won’t blame it entirely on the phrase, “We took her from wantrepeneur to entrepreneur.” But I will say that I think it’s difficult for a weirdo shorts-over-tights-loving person like me to find community in a space packed with well-intentioned normies (and one somatic based lake photographer with whom I’m absolutely grabbing coffee this month).

---

Some non-nichiness for you:

• I’ve been hosting online restorative yoga for over a year now and I love it so much. Come join one (or both!) of the last two sessions of the year if you need a space to take some deep breaths and relax! It’s pay-what-you-want and I will never ask you to turn on your video or sound.

• I started an instagram specifically for my knitting. I’m very excited about it and will be ✨creating content✨ specifically relating to my fiber fetishes!

• I ran my first ever “race” with other humans on Thanksgiving which was hilariously named “The Gobble Gallop”. I ran it slowly! I did not win the race! It was fun!

• Friday is still very cute: