A Photo I Made:
This photo was made on the top of Mount Riley, one of the smaller peaks that surrounds the town of Haines, Alaska. I had the great privilege of spending six days and five nights on a small boat touring Southeast Alaska this August. This image was made using the Nikon FMII on 35mm Portra 400. I brought two film cameras on this trip in addition to the very mediocre camera attached to my iPhoneSE, which made a lot of folks look at me like I had lost my mind. But the choice was intentional. I don’t shoot a lot of digital these days and I could have easily gotten lost in all the bells and whistles that accompany a modern DSLR, instead of getting lost in the massive mountains and honking Sea Lions. Film only allows you to shoot in ample light, forces you to be judicious about your subjects, and costs a mere $1.50 (conservatively) per frame! Of which I took too many! #staybrokeshootfilm🙃😂🫠🫠🫠
A Thought I’m Obsessing Over:
I experienced so many feelings on the above trip, but the ones that I’m still thinking about with me are guilt and shame and embarrassment— you know, classic vaycay vibes! I’m so grateful I got to go on this trip, which was a gift that is too complicated to fully explain in this format, but there’s a voice in my head that goes off when I get to do something cool that sounds like this: “Really?! REALLY??? You’re going on a big fancy trip!? You think you DESERVE that? You think you’ve EARNED it?! You know there are people working three jobs and still unable to pay their bills, right? You think you’re better than them, BIG FANCY LADY?! Why don’t you volunteer somewhere!? Why aren’t you giving up your earthly possessions?! Hunger strike! DO SOMETHING! YOU SUCK!!”
Everyone feels this way about vacations, right?
The idea that we “earn” the things we experience in life is a strange one when I look at it with a rational brain, but it’s something that’s been marketed so well to Americans for so long— if you work hard you will have great success: Houses! Cars! Corner office! If you don’t, terrible things will befall you: Homelessness! Addiction! Awkward conversations about the gap on your resume! Neither of these things are true, of course. There are folks who work very little and own multiple homes, take instagram-worthy vacations, and have collections of exotic pets that they should probably sign over to me for safe keeping. There are also (far more) folks who work their fucking asses off 80 hours a week and are kept poor and vacationless. None of it is fair.
It’s hard for me to remember that not going on a trip isn’t going to make our society more equitable. I cannot fix things by saying no to a single opportunity. And truly— I want to share these experiences with other people. I’m just a little dude wandering around this stunning planet with my dumb mouth agape sometimes saying, “Woah.” Here were some particularly Woah-worthy experiences:
I jumped into an ocean that was 39 degrees (F)
I saw a salmon run that nearly moved me to tears
I ate enough wild blueberries to stain my fingers purple
I climbed a mountain until my feet cried
I saw a baby whale playing with a sea lion! How is that possible?!
My Mom* used this phrase when we would sit down to a nice meal at a holiday or similar: “An embarrassment of riches” or “An embarrassment of wealth” and this collective noun sticks with me. I’m regularly embarrassed by how much I have in contrast to what others don’t, despite it not being my “fault”.
Something That’s Happening:
And just like that, your girl is back to work.
I wish I could tell you I found a job, but much more accurately, a job found me. Just a part-time lil’ jibby-job at ten hours a week, which is truly the maximum amount of time I’d like to work for another human. I’m back to work a week from today and excited to start something new and manageable time-wise.
I don’t have the heart to tell any of the grown-ups in my life that I’m not in a rush to find a new full-time something. The take-away I gleaned from my brief stint in the 9-5 world was: it sucked. I was drained and underutilized and undervalued and I was so fucking bored. Sure, it would be amazing not to pay for my own health insurance, but I’m 1,374,698 times more excited about meeting people in my new community than I am about spending countless hours writing cover letters and tweaking my resume for a million ways I can waste 40 hours weekly.
But. Snow boots don’t pay for themselves and my new hometown reached record snowfall last season at 140.1 inches, so as usual, I’ll need to find some way to survive capitalism.
Something I’m Writing:
I’m taking a humor writing class this month with funny human Luke Burns, and y’all, writing is hard! I’m not feeling very funny! Nothing I pitched in class really hit for me and I have a draft due tomorrow, so who knows how that’s going to go! Maybe I should use more exclamation points?!!!
Something I’m Reading:
I just finished Mia Mercado’s first essay collection: Weird but Normal and Sloane Crosley’s I Was Told There’d Be Cake. Crosley is slightly older than I am and Mercado is slightly younger, and I loved the way these two women write about their worlds. Highly relatable nostalgia for AIM, embarrassing work situations, and mysterious poop on your bathroom floor, what’s not to love?
Looking Back:
While visiting Alaska I encountered a lot of 20-somethings working on the boat, driving zodiacs, stringing out kayaks, cleaning rooms, and prepping meals. It was one of the first pangs of regret I had about how I spent my 20s, which was busting my ass trying to be a theater professional in Boise, Idaho (please hold you laughter for the end), when I could have been floating around looking at the majesty of Alaska, or Iceland, or Dollywood.
I’m lucky to love my life a lot right now. I spent a lot of time deciding where I wanted to live and how I wanted to live there, a luxury not afforded by many, but it’s fun to imagine 20-something-Sarah in the wilds of seasonal work in far-away places.
Looking Forward:
On July 19th we spent our first night in our newly rented Minnesota townhouse. We just arrived back from our summer travels on September 5th and realized we’d spent more time away from our new home than we had in it. I’m looking forward to keeping my feet firmly planted here for the foreseeable future. I have a newly minted Library card and a MN Driver’s License en route. All I need now is those snow boots**.
*My Mom had a super power when I was young in that I believed we were incredibly wealthy. I certainly never wanted for anything, but it wasn’t until I went to grad school at a private art school that I realized… we were not. Just regular people from the recently-deceased middle class. My parents taught at State Universities and we became single-income when I was a teenager.
**Do you have recs for snow boots? I run hot (yes! on the inside, too!), so waterproof is more important than warmth!
I've always had Sorel boots for the winter, and they've been great!